I woke up this morning with a knot in my stomach. Not a new feeling for me. “The knot” and I are old friends. It seems he comes to visit me on days when fear, worry and waiting are a present. I am thankful for “him” actually b/c I am a ‘stuffer’ by nature and “he” reminds me I have some emotions brewing under the surface that need some attention.
Today is “scan day” in our family. It is when we take our sweet Dax to get routine scans to make sure liver cancer has not taken residence back up in his body. I am not sure why this day is so hard, because nothing has really changed since yesterday, except I am going to “know” soon. Knowing should bring relief, but for some reason in this area I think I like to live in the dark. HMMMM…maybe that is DENIAL =).
So having allowed myself a moment to be honest with all of those feelings I got into the shower (my only real place to be alone with four children at home), and asked God to minister to my heart and mind.
And He did, as He always does. He heard my cries and lovingly reminded me to be fully ,joyfully, peacefully present today. My sweet friend and mentor Karen Wells sent me the following verse and comment this morning, not knowing that today was ‘scan day’ ……
But I trust in You, O LORD,I say, “You are my God.”My times are in Your hand…Psalm 31. 14-15(even the assignments and appointments that we don’t foresee)
Of course I immediately emailed her back and told her that truth both brings me great peace and fills me with fear at the same moment! Aren’t those things supposed to oppose one another!
So as I was praying the Lord reminded me that I really, really, really dislike waiting and it has been a lesson in my life for the last 10 years.
I was at an adoptive and foster care mom’s retreat with 250 moms this past weekend (Created for Care retreat). We had lots and lots of things in common, but one thing we have all known well is “The Wait”.
As an adoptive mom of four I have spent hours waiting on the phone to ring, paper work to get done, finger prints to process and days wondering when the day would come to bring my blessing home. As a mom of a medically fragile child and those with special needs I have spent hundreds and hundreds of days both in the hospital and waiting on test results. So shouldn’t I have this waiting thing mastered yet!!!! Good grief I have had the practice.
The Lord reminded me today to rest in him daily, moment by moment. Not feeling the guilt of yesterday or the fear of tomorrow, but the joy of today. Please hear me, I am not saying we should not remember the past!! There is evidence all through out scripture of the power of remembering God’s faithfulness in the past. Remembering what He has done and how He has been faithful is what often gives us the faith to trust Him today. I am also not advocating for lack of planning for the future. Once again I think the Lord shows us in His word how to be good stewards of what we have and be diligent workers.
But I think as believers we (or at least I ) let yesterday’s sins, pains and failures coupled with tomorrows fears, rob us of the joy of being in His presence today. We don’t come to Him to receive the manna, grace and leading He promises daily. He is good no matter what you did yesterday or what He has planned for tomorrow. He is good!!!!!!
We (myself included) have got to learn to “wait” well today. Being fully present and honest with the Lord so that we can be fully present and honest with others. As a mom, I must find my joy, energy, hope, in Him daily if I am going to have enough to give out to my husband, kids, family, friends and community.
Yet I still face the “knot” often. The Lord showed me today that it is a gift from Him to remind me that honestly I want control. I often joke and say “I am a recovering control addict”….but it really is true!!!!! So today my “knot” reminds me that I desperately need to trust Him not just daily but moment by moment and WAIT WELL IN HIS PRESENCE AND PEACE placing Dax back at His feet and out of my strong controlling grip!
Praise be to Him who is able!