Adoption, Parenting, Ramblings, Uncategorized

Making Memories Without the Littles

My precious in laws treat us to a yearly vacation. We usually steal away to their time share in Orlando. Our days are filled with late mornings, slow days, multiple trips to the pools, outings to the local shops, and at least one day trip to the beach.

Today, Poppie treated the fellas to a day at LegoLand to celebrate Cam’s 14th and Dax’s 10th b-day. Dax said it was the best day of his life :).
Nana treated the girls to a shopping trip to the Vera Bradely Outlet. Tomorrow we plan to wade in the ocean at Cocoa Beach.

Sounds heavenly right? It is. This time together is much needed Sabbath rest. A break from the normal. Time to laugh, to lounge, to be together. A blessing beyond measure. We don’t take a moment of it for granted.

But today I am teary, heavy hearted, and raw. Part of our family is missing. We have two children that are not here. They are not in the family pictures. They. Are. Missing. Part of me is missing.

Stepping out of the mundane of normal life is like shinning a huge spot light on this painful truth. Making new memories without them is like pouring salt on a wound. Their absence is always a dull pain, but this week it is like a festering sore. Every dip in the pool and every crash of the salty water makes it sting even more.

I have noticed every toddler that walks by. Every mom and dad giggling with them, holding their hands, feeding them ice cream by the pool, and delighting in their presence. They remind me of the days we are missing. They take me to a new place of desperation where my heart literally feels like it is breaking inside my chest.

These days make me long for “our firsts” with Fin and Mae. Our first giggle. Our first family picture. Our first glimpse of their little toes. The first time they let us truly comfort them when their body melts into ours. Our first sleepless night when they are adjusting. Our first baths. Our first moments of time in the same room, inside the same walls, under the same roof…oh what a glorious day that will be.

But until that time, don’t mind me…you can just call me the “toddler stalker”

Waiting in hope,

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