Taking off my mask and letting the grief ooze on out….

Sometimes the hard, and real, and raw need to be shared

Sometimes we need to pull back the mask and let the real coming oozing out

Sometimes we do it for us

Sometimes we do it for others

Sometimes it creates space for others to share – to feel

Sometimes it creates space for us process – to  heal

Sometimes it is just the right thing to do

Sometimes it is time

It is time

It is time to share my sadness. My grief. My loss

I have been holding on to it for weeks out of fear

Fear that sharing would leave me misunderstood

Fear that sharing would steal away from my precious Fin

Fear it would steal away from his story. His preciousness

If I shared how I was deeply grieving for the little boy we did not get (see Broken Hallelujah) then maybe you, they, everyone would question

Maybe you would question my love for Fin. My joy for Fin. My excitement over being HIS mom

But I decided to trust you

To trust that you would have the ability to offer me space for both

Space to both grief over what isn’t and joy for what is

I believe we have capacity for both

For both grief and joy

We prayed for months and months for a little boy and we longed for him to be our son with all of our hearts. God said no

That is not easy. It is painful. It is hard. It is ripping me up inside

I have been doing a lot of soul-searching work over the last few months

Why is this so hard?

What about this situation makes it so difficult for me?

A few days ago I realized this is my “loss”

This is my “thing”

This is the “thing I have hoped and longed for but it is not going to be fulfilled” thing

You see I have infertility

I had a full hysterectomy before age 30

But I did not grieve my infertility the way most women do

Infertility was not my “thing”

I questioned myself for years. Maybe I should have felt more? Grieved more? What is wrong with me that I did not weep and grieve the way most women with infertility do? Was I shut off emotionally? I had older women push back on me when I said “I was ok”, “fine”, and “it is no big deal to me”

But you see……when we found out we would never conceive, we already had two beautiful babies at home. Camden and Mia were already ours. We started our family through adoption. When we wanted children we chose adoption first.

I KNEW with every part of me that I was fulfilled. I never had to feel a baby kick inside of me to be satisfied.

So I never grieved infertility b/c I never felt like I longed for a child I would not have.

I had the children I longed for. If and when we longed for more children, adoption was a gift that we would gladly receive again.

I know that my story of infertility is so deeply different from most ladies I met and talked with. In fact, I often avoid talking about it altogether , because I don’t really relate and I never ever want to steal away from the pain, loss, grief, or any part of someone else’s story because my process was different.

A few weeks ago, when I was crying out to the Lord about why I am still longing for this other little boy  too…..please don’t misunderstand me…it is not “instead of” my other kids…it is “too”…I want Camden, Mia, Mallie, Dax, Fin, Mae, AND him….it hit me…this is my “loss”….this is my “thing”

This is the only time I have longed for and loved a child this deeply and them NOT become ours. (I cried out over Fin and Mae…and look what the Lord has done!!!!!!)

I have no expectation that this will be another “Mae and Fin” story where God will do some crazy stuff and make them ours like He did them.

I really feel like this is my “loss”

My “thing”

The thing I have to grieve

My “Broken Hallelujah”

The “thing” that will allow me to touch the grief many other women feel as they walk miscarriages, infertility, failed adoptions, and unmet desires to be married. Please hear me….I am not saying these things are the same or compare equally to one another….but they all come with paralyzing loss as women. They are the losses of a feminine heart.

So I am sad.

I find myself taken by waves of loss that are deafening

ALL the while I am OVERWHELMINGLY blessed and crazy FULL OF JOY for what is and what is to come.

I am certain the story God is writing will blow us away. I am expecting that. I am clinging to that.

But….

I am giving myself space for both. No sugar-coating. No tying it up in a bow. No pat answers or quotes for this one.

Just hope, joy, and blessing sitting up next to pain, loss, and sadness.

And I am OK with that….

If you feel inclined to share your “thing”…. your “loss”….your “grief”……your “broken hallelujah” I would be honored to hear.

We need to hold space for one another,

Tona

 

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Taking off my mask and letting the grief ooze on out….

  1. tons, I am deeply touched and moved by your posting. I have no way to feel your pain, but you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Many blessings, and thank you for sharing. Leslie

  2. I’m so glad you shared. God will give you the grace to allow yourself this sacred space where your loss can reside. He doesn’t expect us to “get over” our losses. Instead He somehow …. crazy beautifully uses them …. and meets us in them. And you’re so right … you’ll relate to others on an even deeper level. I’m trusting the same for my children who have faced such tremendous loss. And for myself. Ten years later I still ache. And love Him even more for faithfully walking with me and not expecting me to ever “get over” it. Cuz even there I can worship Him. And trust Him. Love you, sister. I am trusting Father for a face-to-face with you again one of these days.

  3. Pingback: You are not going to believe this…. | Tona Ottinger

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