Are You SOOOO Excited?? The Honest Answer….

Are you so excited Fin and Mae are coming home soon?

Ah…. the million dollar question I get asked a million times. Yes!!! YES!!! Y.E.S. of course we are so excited!!! I am crazy excited but…..I am also TERRIFIED.

YEP totally completely TERRIFIED

In fact, I think you would be hard pressed to find any adoptive mom or foster mom…maybe ANY mother….if they are being honest…that did not have some level of fear as they jumped into parenting. Oh to be sure, it can show it’s self in all kinds of ways…. nagging worry, panic attacks, over controlling behaviors, exhaustion, anger, over eating, over sleeping, under eating, under sleeping, and on and on and on…..

You might feel inclined to ask….

WHY IN THE WOLRD WOULD I CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES ME FEEL TERRIFIED??? And do it S.I.X times?????

I will start with this quote…

“Fear, of course, is almost always a fear of losing something.

In other words, we cannot just talk ourselves out of our fears. We cannot just pretend we are not afraid. We cannot hate or frontally attack our fear. To begin the process of appropriate “exorcism,” we must first of all feel and “suffer” our actual fear, taste the nature of our anxiety, get a sense of its texture and style, its falsity, its plausible disguises. We have to admit that we don’t want to lose something, and admit exactly what that something is. Is it our reputation, our manner of living, our group identity, our control? Then we can deal with the real demon, instead of shadowboxing with enemies that are not the real enemy at all.” Richard Rohr (http://sojo.net/magazine/2004/10/fear-itself)

I ask myself what I am afraid to lose, as I become a mommy to two more precious medically fragile ones?

WHY am I afraid? What am I giving up? What might I lose? What is at stake? Now we are getting somewhere!!! 

I take inventory of my fear. I see it for what it is…..

Then I move into a place of knowing.

We KNOW without a doubt Fin and Mae are our children. We love them with every part of who we are. My fear does not take away from that. But in order for me to be an attune mommy, that is fully emotionally present for myself, my hubby, my kids, and my Lord I need to be brutally honest. I need to pause and understand my fear and how it manifests itself in my life.

Then FEAR no longer controls me.

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

 Then I remember THEY are more important than what I am losing. They are more important than my fear

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” ― Franklin D. Roosevelt

 Then The Lord reminds me HE IS my ever-present help

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)

He will never leave me of forsake me.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)

He gives me peace not like the world has to offer, but His peace.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)

And even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death EVERY day I am not in eternity. Every day I am in the midst of brokenness, suffering, and pain. I do not need to fear. He is with me. He will comfort me.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

Then I feel a little more courageous and a little less afraid. And I do this exercise over and over and over again.

Then I find myself living a life following Him and not my fear. Stepping out LOVE and not paralyzed by FEAR. RISKING. HOPING. LIVING.

So thankful for the gift of motherhood 6 times over. Thankful “fear of losing” did not win.

images

Blessings,

Tona

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